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Real Love…….really? December 30, 2012

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It is when we look backwards, that most desirable gift of hindsight, that we find love, or at least recognize the signs. I first loved as a child loves, fully trusting, fully dependent, fully focused on fulfilling my needs, and being completely in love with the person who provides.  It is here that love stops for some; even as adults, they need care taking, their wants satisfied, taking, not giving, to feel adored, complete, and finally loved.

Then most move on to “crush”, first love, puppy love when we forget our own needs and spend all our time and energy pleasing the other person, hoping, manipulating, forcing them to love us, to give us value; it is often during this time that we learn quickly as females to give our bodies… and we imagine this is the super glue, the loan, the gift-that-cannot-be-repaid-nor-duplicated that will keep love alive.

Then we finally figure out who we are, our priorities, discover a self so inside that invitation only is mandatory. The closer one gets to their truth, the closer their love becomes honesty…and the closer we become to ourselves, the closer we can be to another.

It is risky. It is like going from Monopoly money to one’s life savings. The ante rises as we go from necessity, dependence to trust and invitation. It is a simple equation: the self gets bigger, the love gets bigger; the self gets honest, the love gets honest.

And so it is with him. I have grown into real love. I have grown into him. And nothing, NOTHING in my world is the same. I risk, I pray, I invite, and I give; not for him, but with him.


Falling December 19, 2012

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Funny how we call it “falling in love.” . We never say we are leaping into love, melting into love, elating, skipping…launching into love.  We use “falling” as if it signifies a mistake, a misstep, a trip on the sidewalk in the path of living, and so we skin a knee, break a bone, break a heart. Falling? The word implies you will be damaged. Falling lacks control, indicates something not yet mastered, and by its very definition of action, will eventually require a landing, a grounding ungraceful and jolting, an eventual dose of consequence and reality. Scary.

Or maybe, please, maybe, we call it falling because, at its best, it is unexpected, jarring, quick, and void of a safety net. Perhaps falling in love is more like a free fall, a strap-on-the-parachute-and-risk-the-mishap, exhilarating, beautiful, look-at-me push into the unknown. And the view? Well, from up here, it is the the whole, fantastic, worth-everything vista that straightens priorities, keeps you staring in awe, and presents all the world as a makes-sense place.

When We’re Ready December 8, 2012

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We play, when we should be a fan. We join, when we should stand aside.  We listen, when we should yell. We crumble, right when we need to be strong. We love, when we should walk away. I finally, about damn time, understand why. We spend so much time looking outward…at our parents, our peers, our news, our trashy TV.

“If I could only….” or “I want to be like….”. We cannot look in, inward, to where we become, to where we need to be, to where we should be running. Then someone comes along, and we swear we know them, understand them, are like them. Do they complete us? No. They are just like us. And they do not show us all the “shoulds”, they do not drown us in regret, they do not chastise us for not looking for so long.

We fall into open arms, finished sentences, full silences, and a yearning so great that, unready, would rip us in two. Instead, it drives us forward, welcomes us as we are, and begs us to stay beyond time or boundary. We cannot even look away, much less walk away.

Thank you…for somehow knowing when I’d be ready.