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I’ll Let You Know December 31, 2014

Posted by shelleygblog in Uncategorized.
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When goals are unmet, dreams unrealized, do we change what we want, or do we merely stop wanting at all? Through a treacherous eating disorder I learned that eventually the physical body travels both these paths. Restriction of forbidden foods, those loved, dangerous by virtue of some sugar or fat content, or simply too difficult to stop eating are eventually replaced by safer cravings. I suddenly only wanted salads, a bit of fruit, only the whites of the eggs. I was emotionally satisfied with my limited, allowable menu. Eventually, those harsh limits caused my body to stop wanting at all. Hunger pangs disappeared, hair growth, dulled reactions, and hyper energy conservation protected my frame and I was able to go through the day not feeling nutritional need at all. The chocolate chip cookies, gooey brownies, the aroma of theater popcorn, or spicy street taco lost all power over me.I was immune to both the joys and the miseries of food. Nothing short of a miracle could shake me from an empty form of peace.

Emotionally, when many of our possibilities turn to no, do we change what we define to be our happiness goals, or do we give up, lose our desire to attain personal goals, and only tend to the ones forced upon us by outside forces such as jobs, partners, or children? I have often changed direction, aimed my arrows at different targets when the initial arc was either truly unsustainable, not actually in the best interests of myself or those I love, or required a path not usable to lack of resources. For example, a couple unable to have biological children must choose differently, either lifestyle or means of achievement; an abused spouse must abandon a marriage or abandon self worth; an injury forces one to reroute their professional sport’s team desires. A multitude of brambles may cause a change in course.

So how will 2015 progress? New goals? Happiness there? More roadblocks? Weariness or new reserve? Will I succeed, give in, or give up? Tell me your story, and I promise (one I know I can keep) I will tell you mine.
I look forward to travelling with you. I hate going it alone.

Happy New Year December 29, 2014

Posted by shelleygblog in Uncategorized.
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There are a million ways to break a heart between sometimes and always, between attachment and abandonment, between possibility and probability. I am amazed how writing follows the patterns of my heart and my head…divergent, scattered, a windfall, then nothing. My heart desperately wants to lean toward the always, the daily, the habit, the knowing but my head knocks against the sometimes, the infrequent, the not at all, and my body follows in abandonment of all I find comforting, exciting, or tied with a joy ribbon. I used to pull the ribbon, full of anticipation for the possibility of what lie ahead. Lately, and with the word “no” playing a redundant melody in my passing lane, I am intimidated by probability, so I leave the ribbon unattended. Just like my writing. The words must hide in a box under an old tree with faded trappings. My resolution for this year, any year, any day the tide will turn and come in are this: pull the ribbon. Watch it fall. Breath. Maybe twice. Find the courage to open the box. Even if the tiny, twirling dancer sings “no”, pull her off the miniature stage, toss her beneath the rotting leaves, her hair is faded orange, her costume barely bathed in pink. She can dance one last dance then rot. The box no longer has to be perfect. The faded satin still holds all the trinkets of your fortune. Look. Quiet the head. Double wrap the heart. Prepare for the inevitable no. Then ask a new question. Dig up a new treasure. Reline the faded crevices. New dreams are ready when I finish crushing the old nightmares.